Many of you may not know my story.
Since 2014 I have had 6 people in my family die- unexpectedly- back to back. This happened while I’m in graduate school, cheerleading for USC, President and Founder of 2 organizations, and working. Which I’m still doing most of, to this day.
I developed this incomprehensible fear, it specifically felt like separation of anxiety. Always on edge, not wanting to lose friendships, sensitive to criticism, always looking at people as if it would be my last time. So much self blame, “Could I have called more, sent texts more, said “I love you more?”
Why did this happen to me? Why me? Why did I go through it alone?
I couldn’t find God in this season. I say this because I know He’s always there; I just couldn’t see Him. I was mad at Him. I did not feel His love. I was offended that He permitted these causalities to happen to me. All of these deaths were unexpected and traumatizing.
Being busy was not a form of distraction, but a form of routine. It served it’s purpose, but I got tired. I lost some of my memory, my sanity, my ability to process information, and so much of myself.
I don’t know what grieving looks like. I don’t know if I have fully done it yet. I feel like I’m a numb.
My behaviors and functioning improved over the past year, since January 2016.
However, this month, and specifically this week, I told God, “Okay, I’m willing to start this healing process with you on this particular topic.” Ironically, this is the same week when I attempted to start doing a devotional plan on the topic of grief. I started the devotional plans and remained consistent.
The next morning, I was informed that a church member of mine passed away. I lifted her and her family up and thought of how nice of a person she was. TODAY I was informed that one of my professors at USC passed away as well, and will be taking off life support tomorrow.
Let that sit.
I’m still trying to. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what grief looks like.
Our other professor informed my cohort and I the news, as people walked in the classroom crying. Sitting in the chairs weeping. Passing boxes of tissue around the classroom. And hugging each other during this time of loss.
We unexpectedly lost a great professor , father, son, healer,and human being.
We spent the rest of the class making cards for his 3 year old daughter. Coloring and drawing were extremely helpful. I wrote him a poem and poured my honest admiration and appreciation to him. That’s all I have right now. Thoughts. Thoughts for his family, his daughter, his partner, his soul, his students.
And thoughts for God about how all of this is working? How I should, would , or could be reacting? Thoughts, just heavy thoughts.